“Patch O’Furr calls it the multi-nerd connections. ‘If it was a venn-diagram, it would be plaid. Because everybody who’s a nerd has a bunch of nerdy interests (laughs),’ said Patch. ‘I’ve always loved every kind of subculture. But I think furries are the truest nerds out there today. You know, nerds back in the day didn’t have billion dollar movies and Hollywood agents coming to their conventions. Furry conventions still don’t have those things. They’re organic and homegrown.”
Writing this piece brought me to tears of laughter several times. What a joy to learn more about Furry culture from Patch O’Furr and CollegeHumor’s very funny Brian Murphy and Adam Conover. Read the full piece on Splitsider here:
When Celine Dion recorded her hit single, “I’m Alive”, she had no idea that whale enthusiasts around the world would serendipitously connect her lyrics with visual images of whales gloriously emerging from the waves, water sensually dripping off their dorsal fins. But the unbridled passion of whale lovers like jhdarcy24 and marineland120 needed to be expressed freely, without judgment and through the aquatic/erotic dance of the whales. Please enjoy these independently produced videos from around the world featuring whales grooving to the uplifting melody of Celine Dion’s iconic disco beat ballad, “I’m Alive.”
Mmmmm…Mmmmm …I get wings to fly. Oh, oh … I’m alive …Yeah.
When you call on me. When I hear you breathe. I get wings to fly. I feel that I’m alive.
When you look at me. I can touch the sky. I know that I’m alive.
When you bless the day. I just drift away. All my worries die. I’m glad that I’m alive.
You’ve set my heart on fire. Filled me with love. Made me a woman on clouds above.
I couldn’t get much higher. My spirit takes flight.’Cause I am alive.
“Whether she’s hosting The Mo Show, performing standup, making music videos, drawing her hilariously depressing cartoon, Barely Blair, or bringing her A-game on the basketball court onto the stage for the Larry Bird Variety Hour, the impossibly cool Mo Welch is constantly stretching the boundaries of her comedy and devising new ways to find the funny.
I got a chance to talk with Mo about the antics behind the making of her CBS sports special, Foul Ball, what it’s like to be Larry Bird, getting her start with The Grawlix, joining the Qweirdo community, and her unexpected moment of brilliance with a Pop-Tart.”
I had a blast reporting for The Guardian on the wonderful world of Pigeon Fanciers! I journeyed to a pigeon coop in Norco, CA where I learned about “bio-art,” attended a meeting at the Los Angeles Pigeon Club with some of the kindest folks around, and spoke to pigeon fanciers from around the world. Check it out here!
Bainbridge Island is everyone’s favorite part of Kitsap County, Washington. In the written epilogue of the 1996 hit movie, That Thing You Do! Guy Patterson and Fay move to Bainbridge Island, have four children and found a music conservatory where Patterson teaches jazz composition. Tom Hanks wrote and directed the movie, so I can only assume that his harrowing performance in Cast Away was inspired by his time on Bainbridge Island.
You must travel to Bainbridge Island by Ferry. The ferry is very safe, but if you would like to stand on the bow and pretend its the Titanic, the nice citizens of Seattle will just smile politely and walk around you. The ferry is so safe, it’s laughable.
View from the Ferry
Once you arrive on the island, artisan handicrafts and farm-to-table restaurants will overwhelm your senses. Portland has nothing on Bainbridge Island. It just doesn’t get any more homegrown local than Bainbridge.
In the mood for a pastry? Inhale a fluffy orange sweet roll with a buttery orange filling and sweet orange glaze from Blackbird Bakery.
If you want to fit in with the locals, you’ll really need to ramp up your outerwear style. Head on over to The Wildernest and pick up some Mountain Khakis.
Locals in Bainbridge care about their look and will go to great lengths to maintain it. One local lost an item of clothing and posted a flier all over town to reclaim her beloved accessory:
The Eagle Harbor Book Company has an incredible selection and atmosphere. They also have a large section featuring local authors including Jack Olson, Susan Wiggs and David Guterson who wrote Snow Falling on Cedars.
Other famous Bainbridge Islanders include actor Chris Kattan, adult film star Tori Black and Jon Brower Minnoch, the heaviest man recorded in history.
If you want to spice things up, head over to one of the many kitchen stores and pick up some of Chef Marla’s Yiddish “Shit-arein” spices, which translated means, “to throw a little of this and a little of that.” They come in Dipshit, Horseshit, Shootin the Shit, Chicken Shit and Super Shit.
Bainbridge Island is a wonderful adventure for all ages. With beaches, parks, hiking, shopping and artisan goods galore, it is a special place in our world not to be missed. Although it is surrounded by water, boasts a median household income of $91,280 and 92.88% of it’s residents are white, Bainbridge likes to think of itself as a lady on the streets but a freak in the sheets.
Behold the wonder for yourself. On Bainbridge Isle.
Grateful for the opportunity to review Maria Bamford’s fantastic new material for Splitsider!
Here, I explore her hilarious new bits on couples’ therapy, sex, privilege, and much more through anecdotes on my personal experience with mental illness, getting help and getting better.
We rescued a genius named Jordy from Ken Mar Dog Rescue. He was not in great shape as you can see from his mug shot below, but today we can now say that he is a happy, healthy young pup who enjoys pizzles, kongs that look like butt plugs and humping other dogs faces. He really is a miracle and we share loving moments every day when he’s not busy destroying everything in the apartment and screaming over the sound of the T.V. The truth is that he engages in these activities to disguise his brilliance and the unwanted public attention that would accompany it’s full expression.
His genius has advanced to a degree that he can now communicate his entertainment preferences to us. I have no doubt that he’ll be talking soon and reviewing for the New York Times. He is truly a connoisseur of eclectic taste and a trend setter for defining culture.
When I can’t sleep at night, I like to read from this book of Russian Fairy Tales in a Russian accent.
I picked up this book at The Museum of Jurassic Technology, a magical place in Los Angeles that makes no sense, defies all logic and makes the world a better place. The stories in this book usually start with a character who must overcome obstacles involving livestock and produce and end with the character failing or dying. There is something comforting about the predictable futility of their efforts. Below, please find summaries of my Top 5 Russian Fairy Tales:
Top 5 Russian Fairy Tales
The Turnip
Grandfather plants a turnip. The time comes to pick it. He can’t pull it out himself so he asks grandmother to help. She can’t do it so she asks Granddaughter. Granddaughter can’t so she asks a puppy. The puppy can’t do it so he asks a beetle. Then the beetle asks a second beetle. Then the second beetle asks a third beetle. Then a fourth beetle. They all pull and pull, but can’t pull out the turnip. The End.
The Snotty Goat
A merchant had three daughters. He built them a new house and sent them there to have dreams. The first daughter dreams she will marry a merchant’s son. The second daughter dreams she will marry a nobleman. The third daughter dreams she will marry a goat. The merchant was frightened and forbade his third daughter from leaving the house. She snuck out anyway and was captured by a goat. Back at the goat’s place, he had a lot of snot on his face so the third daughter wiped it up for him with a handkerchief and fell in love. Everyone made fun of her for loving the goat, but she didn’t care. Then one day she came home and the goat was dead. The End.
The Old Woman Who Ran Away
An old woman and an old man lament their regrets of not having children. They begin to argue about what their children would or would not have been like. The old man drags the old woman by the braid and hits her face against the stove. The old woman packs a bag and runs away. When she gets really far into the forest, she opens the bag and realizes the old man is inside of it. She promises never to leave home again. The End.
Misery
Two brothers lived in a village. One was poor and one was rich. The poor brother asks the rich brother for money because his family is starving to death. The rich brother invites him to come back the next day with his family for his birthday feast. At the party, the rich brother forgets to offer his poor brother’s family anything to eat, so they just sit there with empty stomachs and watch all the guests enjoy themselves. The End.
The Stubborn Wife
Once a peasant shaved his beard and told his wife about it. His wife told him he didn’t really shave his beard, he just trimmed it. The husband thrashed his wife and demanded she admit that his beard was shaved or else he would drown her in the river. The wife insisted it was just trimmed, not shaved. The peasant held his wife underwater till she drowned. The End.
“The Passenger Pigeon, therefore, should not be remembered only as a tragic victim of human thoughtlessness and greed. In fact, it should be admired as a species that over millennia had evolved, to an exceptional degree, an anatomy conducive to a life on the wing; indeed, it was a magnificent flying machine.”
“Every morning at a rigidly appointed hour, he gave himself a salt and water enema. A devout believer in nature cures, Gandhi was convinced that was the way to flush the toxins from his bowels. For years, the final sign a man had been accepted in his company, came when the Mahatma himself offered to give him a salt and water enema.”
-Freedom at Midnight by Dominique Lapierre and Larry Collins.
On Albert Einstein:
“During one visit to Russia, he kept a list of the women he had sex with, totaling sixteen in all, including two mother daughter pairs.”
-Einstein: His Life and Universe by Walter Isaacson
On Abraham Lincoln:
“Fighting was a common pastime and when these rough fellows fought, they fought like savages; Lincoln’s father bit off his adversary’s nose in a fight and his cousin lost the same feature in the same way”
– Abraham Lincoln by John Torrey Morse
On Napoleon Bonparte:
“ But the most significant thing about this essay is that it was composed just five days after he lost his virginity to the Breton prostitute in the Palais Royal. Napoleon’s guilt about sexuality is evident, for he pitches into modern women and suggests that the female sex should emulate the women of Sparta.”
Carnival of Souls 